I used to go to the gym everyday. I used to post a note on my blog almost everyday. I used to be positive. I used to visualize the goals I wanted to achieve like a path in the mountains: hard, beautiful, meaningful. All these things – and some others – have gone away some day between may and june 2013. Why? Did I lose hope? Did I lose my inner strenght?
No, nothing like that. I lost nothing. On the contrary, I found a very old friend of mine: fear. What are you telling me? You know fear too? Oh, the world it’s getting smaller every day! But, let me see, do you mean that Fear, the cousin of Low Self-Esteem? Because I mean that kind of Fear. In May 2013 a big project in which I was involved was suspended and I reacted with… nothing. Ok, let me be more accurate: I started waiting. I waited for another project to come. I waited for the muscle ache to pass. I waited some news and some new joy to arrive by itself. I waited. The result was that nothing came at all and that I lost hope and strength.
Then a friend gave me a hint: why don’t you finish that old erotic novel you started so far?
I answered: Why not? It’s an easy work for me to do. I’ve done something like this before! Forthermore, that specific story is so silly and humorous and fun that it could be a cure for my blues!
Then I took my old notes, the work yet done and wrote down all the adventures of my silly protagonist in her silly and erotic fantasy world. At the end of November 2013 the work was done. And then? Once again I started to wait. Wait the opinion of someone. Wait the time to be right. Wait what? A new golden down? A rain of marshmallows? The ultimate cure to cellulite?
I don’t know. I was always sad and blue and I hated that mood. I had to move on. My man told me that he missed me. He missed the active and lively me that never gives up.
Then I faced my dear old friend Fear and I told her*: “The only thing that I want to do in my life is writing. I cannot avoid this simple truth anymore so… do what you want but I’ll do my best to write in videogame industry and to publish my little stories”
Then I did three things: I updated my CV and sent it. I contacted some literary agents and sent them my silly erotic novel. And after all this… I went to the gym! I missed so much the energy that comes only through pain and fatigue! I’m alive again! And I’m also bad. Stay away Miss Fear: I’m back and I’m bad!
*My mother language is Italian and in Italian Fear is a She