Waves of time: To be a little woman

Hi, guys and girls!

I don’t know your measurements but I know quite too well mines: I am 156 cm tall and 89 cm wide at my widest point, around my hips. I’ve always been the shortest girl in the classroom, since my first day at Kindergarten. But along the words of the most famous Jebediah Springfield (look out The Simpsons for reference about the man), I’ve always believed that:

A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man!

Hence, the smallest woman. I think this is one of the reasons why I started my fitness program. I know I can’t enlarge myself too much, but I wanted my small mass to count more. I liked the idea of adding to my basis weight, to toughen up and change my fat into muscle. Muscles weight more, consume more and, on the other hand, take less space.

I couldn’t find online the right image about my favourite moment from 1995 film Ghost in The Shell, by Mamoru Oshi, but picture this: the small framed, gracious, athletic major Motoko Kusanagi, a human-cyborg policewoman, after an incredible jump lands with her knee on the ground and… her little knee breaks the ground. That is because the small framed, gracious, athletic Motoko is made of steel and weighs tonnes. You can even hear the sound effect of her mass hitting the ground like a lead hammer on a rock. It’s just a short moment, then she stands up and continues pursuing her suspect running, but you still can see the hole she left in the ground behind her. That moment exalted me the first time (and any other time) I’ve seen that movie. The idea of a hidden power, of a strength you can’t spot at first sight. I want to have that kind of power. I want to feel that kind of strength running through my body. 

To be a little woman means that most of the people you’ll meet in your life are going to belittle you, at first sight. The most stupid will continue in doing so, the others sooner or later will grasp what lies beyond. The important thing is that you understand what lies beyond, that you are able to grasp your inner strength. The important thing is that you understand your potential, that you are an apple seed able to see the potential apple within yourself. I think this works for small and not so small women (and men) as well.

To be a little woman, to me, meant that I could disappear into the crowd, make myself invisible. Along the years, being little meant that I could use my appearance to pass as harmless and have people, especially men, feel unthreatened by my presence. Sometimes, especially with bigger built women, it meant the right opposite. Some of them felt menaced by me being the physically fragile woman that society wanted and that they could never be. To be different was not in my power, just like they could not change themselves. Every time it happened I felt a deep sorrow. Simply, I could not bring them to trust me and I could not speak openly about what I believed was their problem with me.

What I am trying to do currently with my small body is learning how to embrace my shape and experience my body at its best, just like the human mind of Motoko Kusanagi does with her cyborg body. 

First, I accepted that fact that I am little and thin and that to reach what I think is my perfect shape means to have even fewer curves that I had before. Physically, I’m not the woman that I thought I was.

Second, I am working to toughen my body (and with it, my mind as well) to have it carrying myself safely and efficiently around as long as it can.

Third, I want to learn to take pleasure from my shape. I want to do this in two ways. First, I’d like to have fun with fashion, decorating this small body of mine in the ways that are is own. I’d like to use more colours, different styles, play with my smallness. Then, I want to find a discipline that helps me living this body, playing with it, seeing which new levels of grace it can reach. Could it be aerial silk art? Pole dancing? Simply some kind of dancing? I still don’t know, but I will.

Summarising: where’s the fun of having the body of a 12 years old girl, if you don’t embrace life as she would? 

My message for you this week, guys and girls, is PLAY. And, as always, thank you for your precious time. 

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